I believe the Bible to teach that all sexual activity outside of marriage is sin, and all romantically oriented physical activity is sexual activity. In my view, this includes premarital kissing.
As the questions above indicate, however, many single Christians have questions about whether premarital physical activity at some level beyond kissing is OK. We need to address the whole spectrum (“just kissing” included).
Another important point has to do with culture. In some cultures, kisses of greeting — between members of the samesexor of the oppositesex— as well as hand-holding and other forms of physical expression during normal, non-romantic social intercourse, are more common. Fine. You might even be able to talk me into the notion that brief, “non-leaning-in” hugs of greeting, sympathy, etc. between men and women who are not romantically involved are OK.
We all know what we’re talking about here, and these are not the things I mean to address in this column. The game changes when two people are romantically involved or “semi-involved” (a fascinating phrase I recently heard).
All right. Before you start throwing things at your computer — I can’t feel it you know, you’re just hurting your own computer — let’s go to Scripture. It is certainly true that no passage of Scripture says — in so many words, at least — “thou shalt not kiss before marriage.” Having said that, I submit that there is a strong argument to be made from Scripture that there is no room for any sexual relationship outside of marriage. The argument becomes clearer when we look at some of what the Bible has to say about (1)sex, (2) our relationships with other believers and (3) sexual immorality itself.
We Are Not Having Sex We Are Only Kissing
As a good initial principle here, we should affirm that sex itself (and sexual activity in general) is not inherently negative or sinful. On the contrary, in the proper context, it is a kind and good gift of God. Michael Lawrence and other able Boundless authors have written before about the wonderful gift of sex, so I won’t belabor the point except to repeat that the Scripture passages on sex, taken together, make very clear that God instituted sex within marriage for purposes of procreation, pleasure, intimacy, holiness, and — ultimately — for his glory.
God instituted sex within marriage as part of his design of the family (Gen. 1:28). In 1 Cor. 7:3 and following, Paul says once we are married, our bodies literally belong to our spouse; he also instructs spouses to meet one another’s sexual needs and to be together regularly so as to protect ourselves from falling into ungodly lust and extramarital sexual activity.
If you have any doubts about God’s intention to give us sex as a wonderful, pleasurable gift, Song of Songs should put them to rest. In Song of Songs, God has given us a holy and beautiful picture of a marital sexual relationship, and everyone seems to be having an excellent time.
Even there, however, God is clear that sex is uniquely for marriage: “Do not arouse or awaken love before it so desires (i.e., before it’s appropriate — within marriage).” (Song 2:7) A blog comment or two emerging from the last column suggested a different interpretation of this verse and Song in general, but the orthodox interpretation of the book suggests both that an actual sexual relationship is part of what the narrative relays, and a context (at the time of the sexual part of the relationship) of marriage.
Brothers and Sisters in Christ
So marriage is a unique relationship, and the good gift of sex is not only allowed but commanded within that relationship. Still, the overwhelming majority of believers will only share that relationship with one person in their entire lives. How are we to relate to everyone else (especially believers), and how does that question inform the topic of premarital sexual activity — including kissing?
The simple answer is that every believer to whom I am not married is my brother or sister in Christ, and I am to act accordingly.
There are too many passages to mention in this space that communicate God’s command to live for God’s glory and to “love” one another — defined as putting the spiritual good of others above our own desires. We are to do this in light of what God has done for us in Christ and in light of Christ’s impending return. Just a few examples: Romans 12, especially vv. 9-13 (“Love must be sincere…. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”); Romans 13:8-14, especially vv. 9b and 10a (“Love your neighbor as yourself. Love does no harm to its neighbor.”); 1 Cor. 13:4-7, especially v. 5 (love “is not self-seeking”).
More specifically, 1 Tim 5:1-2 reiterates the “family” metaphor among believers and instructs us about how we are to treat our fellow members of the body of Christ:
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